Colchester to become the UK hub for space technology

Colchester is to become the UK’s hub for space technology.

Major Tim Peak has endorsed plans by the University of Essex to build a £40million, 50m deep space pool. The pool will be bigger than the current world biggest at Houston, Texas and be used for investigating pioneering methods of space flight and human endurance research to allow us to go even closer into the final frontier. Early suggestions are that warp drive technology will also be developed. There has been much hysteria as the new. “Colchester to become the UK hub for space technology?” said one local man. “Finally, we’ll have something to beat TOWIE!”


Mersea Island to be turned into a giant rocket launch platform

Mersea Island, known locally as ‘The Republic’, has been earmarked as the launch pad for rocket testing as it is detached from the mainland. The Government intends to compulsory purchase all properties at East Mersea by 2019.

But Montague Bertrum, who has lived on Mersea Island since 1962 said the plans were “terrible”.

“We already have tourists clogging our roads in the summer” said Mr Bertrum. “This move will result in more tourism and more money being bought to the local area which is a huge inconvenience. The Co-op already struggle to supply my favourite croissants and this means I’ll have to start shopping at Tesco. Have you ever tried parking a Bentley Continental in that tiny carpark?”.


“Best thing to ever happen to Essex”

In a Skype interview from the International Space Station, Major Peak said that this opportunity will be “the best thing to ever happen in Essex”.

“We originally thought about building the launch pad at Jaywick, but the demolition costs were estimated to be too high” said Major Peak who went on to say that the project would create “over 10,000 local jobs” and require “a lot of water”.


Bradwell to become new mecca for illegal aliens

The village of Bradwell in Essex will eventually become home for illegal aliens crossing into UK space territory, fleeing from Master of the First Order, Kylo Ren. Local people aren’t happy.

UKIP Leader Nigel Farage said the idea was an “erosion of British Values”.

“We’re already bursting at the seams in Bradwell” he said. “The last thing we need are illegals coming over here, taking our jobs and filling up our schools. Most of them can only speak basic English and we don’t have enough Klingon speaking teachers to cope”.

Building of the pool commences in June 2019.


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